Another year older
all the women we once were
I turn 46 today. Another year older, not necessarily wiser.
While I’m not a big birthday person. I am a big self reflection person. I love looking back at the old versions of me.
Like Russian nesting dolls. All the younger versions of myself neatly stacked inside me. The gangly awkward preteen, the 20 something who was scared walking down the isle, the 30 something giving birth. All of them quietly and neatly tucked away inside of me now. One day, in the not so distant future, this version of me will be carried by an older wiser version of me too.
We think of ourselves as the age we are, but in reality we’re all the ages and moments in our lives stacked neatly together weaving a web with a rhythm and pattern wiser than our limited mind can comprehend. Twists and turns we never could have been planned, and world shattering experiences that cracked us open only to birth new realities we never could have imagined.
As I look back on these 46 years I can see the patterns loosely taking shape. The baby I never birthed. The unexpected one I did. The best job JP never got. The one I never took. The proposal I said yes to. The programs that failed. The move we took without thinking. As if somehow it was all leading me to now.
I’ve been going through old Google photos on my phone, looking back on the year. Reflecting on moments that punctured time. Moving into this house. The day the podcast launched. A fight with JP around our kitchen table. Lillian on our porch telling me that she hated me. A sunrise walk on the beach with my sister discussing IVF. Standing beside my oldest baking a pie only to realize he was now towering above me. A man, no longer a child.
Somewhere in between all the mundane ordinary moments a beautiful life was unfolding. And yet, if I’m being really honest, I think so much of it I missed. Worrying, planning, stressing. As far as I’ve come with my mindfulness practice, it is still just that, a practice. One I’m cultivating.
This year has been a beautiful year of growth collectively for our family, and for me personally. But equally for much of it I struggled, questioning myself and feeling behind in my career and personal life. Wanting to be further along and more settled, with all of it. From our savings to our home to the kids and work. There were many days the pressure felt heavy, and it took everything in me to just breathe through the day. I could always get back to center, but it took so much effort to not just check out, numb or quit.
